By Amanda Garrigus

Congratulations! You’re going to be a parent! Now buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life. Oh sure, you’ve probably read a dozen books on the subject, or at least you’ve brought a few. If you’re really on it, you’ve likely also taken a few classes on breastfeeding and infant care. Way to go! (New parents, it’s important to give yourself props for the small victories, trust us, it’ll save your sanity.) At this point you know that sleep’s about to be tossed out the window, and your body’s going to change a little (or a lot). We’re looking at you too dads. But, whether to spare you the gory details, or to prolong your honeymoon phase, there are a few things that nobody tells you. Lucky for you, we believe knowledge is power, so get ready to arm yourself with a few little gems about life in the parenthood.

1. You will never use the bathroom alone again. Ever. This is a devastating truth. Before baby, bathroom time was sacred, private, maybe even relaxing, but as soon as baby makes three, those days are over. This injustice persists, even after the baby phase. In fact, it gets worse as your child grows. They will push into the bathroom without a knock because they “need you now!”. Even as they move into the teen years, you can look forward to their company as you toilet.

2. You will learn to love dinner time, but hate the question, “What’s for dinner?” You will hate this question because every night you will have to answer it. Not just for you, or your partner, but also for a picky eater who doesn’t want their food to touch, or to eat anything green, or anything with onions, for like, eight years.

3. You will feel a sense of belonging unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. Some people feel this as soon as they lay eyes on their newborn, for some it takes a little longer, think, years. But, if you put in the time, and stay the course, you will find this sense of place, and the freeing perspective it brings. Revel in this esteemed position, it’s your door prize for staying in the game.

4. Kids offer a permanent, and irrefutable excuse to bow out of almost anything. If you never want to go to another independent theater production staged by your aspiring Broadway-actor friend, no problem! Practice saying this, “I couldn’t get a babysitter.” Works like magic, every, single, time.