Dear Steve and Shirley,
Iím a 36 year old divorced mother of two beautiful daughters. Iím a nurse and I provide for my mother and nephew that both live with me.
About 3 Ĺ years ago I was a victim of domestic violence and left my husband of 7 years. After a tumultuous time my ex is currently in jail for 15-30 years.
After taking time to settle my children and myself, I met a man at party of my co-worker. We enjoyed a few dances, cocktails and good laughs. We exchanged numbers and after a week he gave me a call.
We started going out and conversing frequently, we both spoke about and agreed that neither of us was ready for a major relationship. He is a wonderful father and very attentive to his daughters. He is also very sensitive and understanding about my past and me being a single mother.
As time has progressed my feelings have changed, I want this man in my life. Yes I know and reflect on the conversation we had previously but Iím in a different place and to be frank, He is not.
I know he cares for me, just not in the same way. He has not met my children because I am unsure where this is going probably nowhere.
Every time I try to walk away I miss him. I have discussed my feelings with him and he responds with the same ole same. ďI care about you and donít want to lose youĒ speech.
Iíve stopped giving him the cookies, even though he makes my baby hair curl. I have started to call him less and find myself not taking his calls as often.
In my heart I know there is nothing I can do to make him want me but, what can I do to move past this? Itís been a little over a year since we started dating, how long should I wait? Or should I keep it moving?
Love your show,
Book smart but no common sense.
Charlotte-Gastonia-Rock Hill,NC-SC - V 101.9 Charlotte's Best Variety of HITS AND OLDIES
This is your prime example of "I let my feelings get involved." As you stated in your letter "neither of us was ready for a major relationship". That pretty much meant that the two of you would be booty calls with the occasional date here and there. The problem is this. You caught feelings and he didn't now you want to change the situation. If neither of you were ready for a serious relationship then the cookie should have never come into play. You changed the game, not him. The real problem is that you changed the game and he doesn't want to. Yes, you need to let him go. As you've already said you've cut back on the cookie but I assure you he's already looking for someone else if he doesn't have someone already. Instead of putting that stipulation on the relationship up front to say we're not ready for anything serious you should have said let's see where this goes. That sort of leaves the door open to say "at some point we both can see this going forward."
Chicago, IL - TODAY'S RB & OLD SCHOOL
WOW! A sensible letter. It's sad that you have been through the wringer in a very bad relationship with the husband and finally met a gentleman and fell head over heels for him and want to take it to the next level and he don't for whatever reason.The great thing is that you are not playing the lonely pathetic fool and giving your all for a fling that's not going anywhere.Don't waste too much time on one fish when you can fish for others. There may be a better catch out there that is better, you just have to be patient and wail a bit longer just keep fishing and something better will bite and you my be happy with him. Keep up your integrity and always carry yourself as a woman and the right type of man will be found.
Columbus-Starkville-West Point, MS - SOUL OF R&B
Gosh been there and done that...IT HURTS TOO! Good start by holding back the cookies even though that might push him farther away but then at least you know he needed to back up anyway. You can do better. You met him and you will meet another man of equal qualities or better...your still young :)
Fayetteville, NC - MAGIC 106.9
It's only been a little over a year since you two have started dating, not a very long time to really try to pin someone down. If you two were getting along fine and enjoying each other why did you go and mess things up by trying to get him to commit to something he wasn't ready for? To love someone is to respect their wishes as well as understand their position. You both have children from a previous relationship, and blending ready made families can be a tough job. You haven't even introduced this man to your children, but yet you are making demands out of him? The commit or quit clause do not apply this early in your relationship. It take time to build anything, but first you must have a strong foundation. Don't blame him if he is trying to insure that this is the basis of his decisions. Slow down and think about you and your children, take your time dating. Forever in marriages, usually is over after the words I do. Some relationships are more solid then most marriages. So no need to rush to the altar. Which is where I think you are trying to get to..Good luck
Montgomery, AL - HOT 105.7 The STATION YOU HEAR EVERYWHERE
You have common sense, but you're just using it because LUST has caused you to second guess yourself. Not sure what your definition of a "good man" is, but maybe he's not the "good man" you think he is. Women get played because they invest emotionally in unavailable men thinking they're in a REALationship. You weren't his only piece of booty. I applaud you for not introducing him to your daughters. Most women are so desperate for a man that they totally overlook their children's fears and needs, allow dudes into their homes, and try to create a "family" atmosphere. But, the end result is their children being sexually abused by their "wonderful man" that they never took the time to find out about. You know he's not good for you. LUST will get you into a lot of tWouble that will detrimentally affect you (and your daughters) for the rest of your lives. You have a lot on your plate. Maybe he didn't tell you why he doesn't feel the same way about you because he didn't want to hurt your feelings. (1) Single mother of two GIRLS (2) Caring for your mother and (3) Nephew (4) Physically abused and (5) Your ex is doing SERIOUS time in the PENETENTIARY. That's a lot for a man to take on; I wouldn't have anything to do with you outside of the bedroom if I were a dude. He would never get a peaceful night of sleep in that atmosphere. He's not worrying or losing sleep over you because he's clearly moved on. Block his number and emails or change your number and get a new email address. You speak with him because you don't want to be alone, only for you to be disappointed later because he's still the same individual. There's nothing to wait for because he may never grow up. He can be the same person 10 years from now. Sad and Scary, but true. Maybe it's not the time for you to have a physical man in your life. Listen to what you already know. Lastly, this is NOT a situation that you need to "pray over".
New York, NY - 107.5 TODAYS R&B and Classic Soul
Simple, if he don't want what you want, it's best that you distance yourself from him, remain friends with him, but go find someone else who wants a relationship like you want. Been there, done that. Currently in the same situation. Glad you stop giving him the cookie. If he doesn't want to be your man, he do t deserve your cookie.
New York, NY - 107.5 TODAYS R&B and Classic Soul
Look Sis? Didn't you shake hands on that? When you met wasn't falling in love taken off the table? Because word to the wise THIS should NEVER BE suggested or done or agreed upon NOT even if that's how you think don't say it! In the future don't entertain no idea outside of Going With The Flow. If you find a man who's wiggling his way out of something from the door then don't deal with him romantically at all! But you cosigned as my girls sang that song but NOT For His Love okay?! You wound up going back to the drawing board when he's not! Why renegotiate something he's winning at? Falling in love is not contractual but you made it that way from the grand opening pitch! And I say if you don't expect for sales to increase why go into business? Love is something that creeps up on you and that cannot be negotiated with no one but yourself! You both agreed you weren't ready for a major relationship and what is that but a set back!" You agreed to not be committed later on. And sis this is later!! Honey those are words that set the captives free so never let a man off the hook like that!! What are you dating for if it's not going no where! The standard was set so if he adhered to not investing anything greater, he protected himself from loving you. Or did you push it? Either way the damage was done. You fell in love to now find yourself fighting a losing battle? You say you don't want him (any more) for continuing to not wanting a major relationship and nobody's up under your thumb okay lady? If every man has gots to be ready when You Are then that's a major goodbye to you too!! Don't allow a man to control the movement of progression. You agreed to stagnate it in hopes of what? Coming to this? If you've put up a defense mechanism he doesn't have to digress now that you have. So why not go back to having that or leave like you're slowly doing and take your time pulling up out of this as designed. We live and learn. When every relationship should strive for that one and only marital contract not to be confused with anything else.
SF Native Rad Chick
San Francisco, CA - R&B 102.9 KBLX
When a man says he's not looking for anything serious, he's being honest: HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN COMMITMENT WITH YOU. He's warning you to not get attached to him because he just wants to hit it and quit it.
Your instinct has served you well, but your desire to be next to a man is clouding your everyday mindfulness. Lady, stop talking to this guy. Cold and hard. Kill it dead. Murder this. No further contact. No explanations. Nothing.
Savannah, GA - CAT COUNTRY 94FM
Just stop talking to him b/c, you can't change him. I've learned over a period of time, you can't make someone like or love you. Personally, I think it's all in the approach. Meaning, if they ask for the cookie before, getting to know you then, that's all they want. Keep it moving!
Washington, DC - Howard University WHUR 96.3
Keep it moving! We shouldn't try to make men love us. They do or they don't, so keep it moving fast!! Don't waste any more precious time.
Washington, DC - Howard University WHUR 96.3
Writer I am confused have you had another conversation with this man to let him know your feeling have changed and he informed you his has not. The way this letter is written gives me the impression you have decided in your own head what his response is going to be. Sometimes we assume things are going to be a certain way or we have a conversation in our own heads ask and answer our own questions without giving the other person involved a chance to voice their own opinions. This letter has a lot of uncertainty in it on your part and rightfully so your previous relationship was abusive. My advice is you two sit down you lay everything out on the table as far as your wants and needs, let this man tell you if he is with it or not. If he is not then you can make a decision as to if you want to continue with the relationship. In my opinion all that not answering his calls and not giving up the cookies sounds like childs play. Good Luck!