My father would have friends over and play comedy records back in the day. I memorized Rudy Ray More aka Dolemite’s ‘The Signifying Monkey’ when I was 10 ????????????If you know old school comedy records, you know I ain’t had no business because it was all cussing! Well my mother bought be a tape recorder one year and one Sunday she had some church ladies over… Well, you get the picture ???????????? Watch how it all went down.
I have a set of twins, my daughters graduated from Ohio State. I’ll tell you how cheap I was… I went to the school and asked for a discount ????Can I get 15% off? I’m bringing two kids ????????The school said no, I flipped a coin and told my daughters… heads, you go… tales you go.. They start crying talking about I thought we were going to school together. I SAID YOU IDENTICAL TWINS, you go to class one day… you go the next ????????????I can’t do it!
My daughter texts me WYD… I look at my phone, I’m like what is a whattie? ????????????I didn’t know what that was, all I could think about was all the money I spent on private school and my daughter can’t even spell ????????????I found out what it meant… What the hell you mean, what am I doing? I’M AT WORK ????????????Stop texting me in the middle of the day! I’m WORKING!!
I keep telling my kids “STOP LEAVING YOUR KIDS OVER HERE” ????????One of my grandkids wanted to watch cartoons, I wanted to watch SportsCenter. You should’ve seen me trying to tell her that it was a commercial after watching highlights for 20 minutes ????????????I just be lying to them, my wife gets so mad.
A lot of people ask how did I go from radio to TV. Well, radio almost didn’t happen ????????????and my man Cedric The Entertainer and I did ‘The Steve Harvey Show’ back in the ’90s together.
They say I’m the hardest working man in show business but believe it or not… I can’t even get a bottle of water ???????????? I love my crew but you be the judge about how they feel about me based on this bottle of water. ????????????
“Steve Harvey for President.” I appreciate that but I’ve already told you I ain’t gonna pass the background check ????????????
By the time they start digging up my past… ????????????Ain’t no way in hell you are going to vote for me! If you pull my school transcripts we are going to have a problem, if you pull my credit score, we are going to have a problem. We got another problem, I’ve had 4 social security numbers ????????????
Yeah, I’d rather not run for president… it ain’t gone work out for me.
You should already know where this is going by the title ???????????? ‘My daughter’s first date.’ This guy is probably still scared of me and this was her junior prom ????????????Guess what I told him …
My wife told me to watch my mouth around the grandkids. I guess I should’ve listened to Marjorie ????????????My grandson Noah tried to repeat a cussword after hearing me on the phone but he left out a few letters ????????????
I tried to stop cussing at the beginning of the year, my teeth started hurting, I had headaches… man cussing ain’t for everybody, I respect that but there are just cuss appropriate moments!
How many of you remember the 10-way suit growing up?? ????????????You could reverse the vest, with the pants, and turn the jacket inside out. Man, I was sharp! Don’t act like I’m the only one who’s parents bought this reversible suit from Sears for their kids at Easter time. ????????????Well, I loved suits so much as a kid I stole one from a suit store. You know I couldn’t get this past, my parents. Watch what happens next.
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